FADE IN:

INT.: FANCY RESTAURANT: NIGHT

FEATURE MAN and WOMAN at a table together. ZOOM IN to them.

MAN

               So, I says to him; I says…

JEAN-PAUL walks up with entrées in hand. However, his face is blank and lifeless.

JEAN-PAUL

                Your meal, sir…

He falls over with his stomach on the table. He has a knife in his back. ZOOM IN on knife. GOULET sits in a chair with his back facing the camera. He turns around. ZOOM IN on GOULET’s face.

GOULET

                Hmmmm, this looks like a mystery.

GOULET stands up.

GOULET

       …And if there’s one thing that I love
       more than cherry pop-tarts…

ZOOM IN on GOULET as he faces the camera.

GOULET

                 …Is a mystery!

FREEZE FRAME. C.G.: “The Goulet Mysteries: Vol. 1”

DISSOLVE TO:

INT.: RESTAURANT: LATER THAT NIGHT

The restaurant has become a crime scene, with JEAN-PAUL still sitting on the table with the knife still in his back. GOULET stands in a group with many police officers.

OFFICER 1

       Well we’re about done here. Let’s roll
       him out and take off.

GOULET

       Wait a minute! You see Officer Barbrady,
       I’m from Burbank, and a lot of famous
       people live in Burbank. And they’re ALL
       MURDERERS! And this place is crawling with

       them.

OFFICER 1

       But this is Lafayette, Indiana. No
       celebrities live here!

PAN of restaurant, revealing Jay and Silent Bob, Howard Cosell, Harry Carrey, and Jimmy Stewart.

JIMMY STEWART

       Well, I’m a celebrity! Even though I’m
       dead…

GOULET walks over to JIMMY STEWART sternly and quickly. He points his hand as if he is addressing a child.

GOULET

      (Angrily)

       I’ve had about enough of you Stewart! Now
       if you don’t shut up and do what we say,
       you’ll wish that you were back in hell where
       you belong!

JIMMY STEWART

            (Submissively)

                 Yes, sir.

GOULET walks back to the officers.

GOULET

       Now, we need to question everyone in this
       room. We need to get to the bottom of this!
       You first Stewart, and I don’t want any lip.

OFFICER 2

       Wait, we’ve already solved the crime. It
       was his rival waiter, Pierre.

                 Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

GOULET unlocks PIERRE’s handcuffs.

OFFICER 2

       What are you doing? He’s the murderer! And
       you’re not even a cop; you can’t just let
       him go!

GOULET

       Hey, there, Officer Bulbous Ass! Don’t you
       DARE challenge my authority, EVER! I just
       so happen to be an honorary FBI agent,
       appointed by President Van Buren himself.
       Here are my credentials.

GOULET hands the OFFICERs many documents. The officers intently look over the papers.

GOULET

       Hey there, Pedro? You’re free to go my
       friend! Don’t make yourself a stranger.

OFFICER 1

       But he’s the murderer! You’re just going
       to let him go?

GOULET

       That’s right. Now, we’re going to interview
       everyone in this restaurant.

     (to the customers)

       YOU’RE ALL SUSPECTS!

     (quietly)

       Goulet.

JAY and SILENT BOB at a table, spotlight is shining on them.

GOULET

       Why are you here in Lafayette?

SILENT BOB begins to open his mouth to speak.

GOULET

(interrupting)

       Just a minute there, loudmouth! You’ll
       get your chance to incriminate yourself in
       a minute, but I need you to SHUT YOUR
       MOUTH!

GOULET stares coldly at him for a few seconds.

JAY

       Well I heard from this chick, Tricia
       Jones, that the Lafayette area has a MAD
       demand for the Cannabis, me and tons-o-fun 
       here…

SILENT BOB looks at JAY; it’s obvious that he is hurt by JAY’s statement.

JAY

       …we think that we could live like FAT RATS
       if we were the blunt connection in
       Lafayette. And that’s what we’ve been
       doing ever since. We decided to reward our
       good work of the last month with a fancy
       dinner, and then we get accused of
       murdering some stupid frog waiter. What
       the shit is that?

GOULET

       So, you’re saying that you deal marijuana. 
   (Said Mary-jew-wanna)

SILENT BOB again opens his mouth to speak.

GOULET

      (interrupting)

       Last time, Tubbs! I’m sick of you trying
       to undermine my authority!

      (to the officers)

       Officer!

The Officers walk over to GOULET, who now stands up.

GOULET

       These men are free to go.

JAY

       Seriously, dude!? Man, I knew we were
       innocent all along!

SILENT BOB

       No you didn’t. You’re just stoned.

JAY and SILENT BOB quickly walk out of the restaurant.

GOULET

       Who’s next?  Goulet.

The Officers walk up to GOULET.

OFFICER 1

       Excuse me, Mr. Goulet?

GOULET

       That’s “special agent” Goulet.

OFFICER

       Right…well we found this in the kitchen.
       We think that it proves Pierre is the
       murderer.

GOULET

       Let’s let the “expert” make that decision,
       OK?

FEATURE on paper, which reads:

Moi, Pierre Pilotte, j'ai l'intention d'assassiner mon garçon rival, Jean-Paul, parce qu'il a utilisé les médicaments de contrôle d'esprit pour causer le patron pour lui donner une augmentation, et ne donner pas une augmentation me. J'aime les petits gateaux.

GOULET

       Hmmm, looks like Aramaic. Stewart! You
       know Aramaic, right?

OFFICER 1

       Excuse me, “Special Agent” Goulet, but
       that’s French.

GOULET

       French, hmm? I don’t think so.

OFFICER 2

       No, it’s definitely French.

GOULET

       If you say so, but remember, I did NOT
       go to the Orange County Community College
       of Languages for thirteen years to have
       some “Johnny Upstart” telling me my
       business. But no, go ahead, I won’t stop
       you.

OFFICER

       Maybe it would be best of you to keep 
       interviewing the celebrities.

GOULET

       Good idea, Johnny. Mr. Carrey, you’re up!

GOULET and CARREY sitting, facing each other, similar to when JAY and SILENT BOB were being interrogated.

GOULET

       Mr. Carrey, how are you? 

CARREY

       I’m great! It’s a pleasure to be here
       tonight!

GOULET

       Do you know anything or did you see
       anything out of the ordinary this evening?

CARREY

                 Well, I guess you could say that. I was
                 here enjoying my barbeque spare ribs and
                 tall, cool Budweiser, when I overheard that
                 French fellow talking about the Cubs in a
                 less than flattering way!

GOULET

        And what have you heard about the pending 
        investigation?

CARREY

   Well I don’t know too much about it…but
   one thing that I’m sure is he’s guilty!
      I say start warming up the electric chair! 

GOULET

        Hmm, I see. Well let’s not get too ahead
        of ourselves, Mr. Carrey.

CARREY

        Hey! If you can’t take care of him, then
        I will!

CARREY takes out a pistol while stands up, and kicks his chair over. GOULET remains calm and seated.

GOULET

        Now, now, Mr. Carrey. Everyone knows
        you’re not going to do anything.

GOULET makes a signal with his right hand. Almost immediately, OFFICERS 1 and 2 take CARREY down from behind and proceed to beat him with their nightsticks. After a thorough beating, the Officers drag him away.

CARREY

        (while being dragged away)

        Cubs win! Cubs win!

CUT TO:

EXT.: ALLEY BEHIND RESTAURANT: NIGHT

PIERRE is smoking nervously. A MYSTERY MAN, who talks with a French accent, walks up to PIERRE, also smoking.

MYSTERY MAN

        You’ve done well so far. But now you
        have to finish the job.

PIERRE

         No, no, no! I’m done doing your dirty
         work.

MYSTERY MAN

         One more. Then we’re finished and our
         mission will be complete.

PIERRE

        (apprehensively)

        What’s the last job?

MYSTERY MAN

        You know what we have to do. Goulet is
        getting too close. He is compromising
        our mission. We must kill Goulet!

GOULET comes storming out of a back exit of the restaurant. Both PIERRE and MYSTERY MAN are surprised, and MYSTERY MAN hides behind a dumpster.

GOULET

        (desperately)

        Oh god! I need a cigarette!

GOULET lights up a cigarette. He takes a puff and then realizes PIERRE, who is frozen with fear.

GOULET

        Ah, Pierre! How are you, my French
        friend?

PIERRE does not answer. He remains fearful.

GOULET

        Not talking, huh? Well then, just listen.
        I think that we’re really getting to the
        bottom of this. I have figured out who
        the murderer is!

MYSTERY MAN begins to lurch from behind the dumpster, behind GOULET. He raises a knife and is about to stab GOULET, but OFFICER 1 opens the back door, hitting MYSTERY MAN in the face, knocking him out.

OFFICER 1

        Mr. Goulet, I think we’re ready to resume
        the interrogations.

GOULET

        Yes, of course. Pierre, I will see you
        later.

CUT TO:

INT.: RESTAURANT: NIGHT

OFFICER 1

        We’ve uncovered something that we think
        you should know.

GOULET

        What’s that? Did you finally see that
        James Stewart did it?

OFFICER 2

        Not quite, we just received a call from
        Ottawa, Ontario. It seems that Jean-Paul
        was a member of Canada’s Intelligence Agency.

GOULET

        The CIA? That doesn’t mean anything. I
        expected better of you, Johnny.

OFFICER 1

        But they also said that Pierre has been
        on their list of most dangerous spies for
        a matter of years. It seems that Pierre is
        a member of Quebec’s separatist movement.
        And he has been murdering various political
        adversaries.

GOULET

        Then why did he kill a spy like poor
        Johnny-Paul here?

OFFICER 2

        Well apparently, Jean-Paul was on the
        trail of Pierre, who had found a job here
        in Lafayette to lay low. The Canadian
        authorities say that Pierre is just a pawn
        though. We need to find out who gives him
        the orders!

GOULET

        Well, why don’t you just ask him?

OFFICER 1

        You mean he’s here?!

GOULET

        Yes, he was just out back a moment ago.

OFFICER 1

        Well let’s get him!

GOULET and the OFFICERS run through the restaurant. OFFICER 1 is in front, but runs into a waiter with a hue tray of food. GOULET hurdles the mess, while OFFICER 2 sidesteps it. OFFICER 2 then tries to hurdle a table, but fails and falls hard to the ground. GOULET makes it to the back of the restaurant, still inside, where he sees that PIERRE has been murdered with two gun shots to the upper chest.

GOULET

                   Oh, peaches! Goulet.

OFFICERS finally make it to the new crime scene.

OFFICER 1

      (out of breath)

       Well, I guess that’s the first rule of
       ordering an assassination: kill the
       assassin.

GOULET

       This story gets less and less funny as
       it goes on.

GOULET and the officers think for a moment, and then look into the camera. GOULET shrugs.

OFFICER 2

      Well where do we go from here? I mean
      there’s not much more that we can act on.

GOULET

      Well we’re not giving up! I don’t care how
      long it takes us! We’re getting to the
      bottom of this!

OFFICER 2

      Well shouldn’t we inform the Canadian
      Government?

GOULET

      No, we’ll have to go under the radar for
      this. We cannot lose any more time. Let’s
      think about this. Are there any logical
      assumptions we can make?

OFFICER 1

      Well I’d say that the killer is French-
      Canadian, and a member of this movement.
      Otherwise, would he have not ran away, he
      would have…

GOULET

       (interrupting)

      That’s it!

OFFICER 1

       (confused)

      What’s it?

GOULET

      It makes so much sense, it has to be true!

OFFICER 2

      What are you talking about?

GOULET

      He’s French! He would run away after that!
      He’s running away!

OFFICER 1

      What? That’s just a horrible stereotype!

OFFICER 2

     (quick to respond)

      No, actually its true.

OFFICER 1

      Really?

OFFICER 2

      Oh yeah.

OFFICER 1

      Well, then let’s look for him!

GOULET

      You two go ahead and begin the search.
      I’m going to find a partner for me…and
      I know just who it’s going to be.

CUT TO:

EXT.: STREETS OF LAFAYETTE: PRE-DAWN

OFFICERS searching in front of a building whose sign reads: “Long Theatre.” GOULET and STEWART are searching in the back.

GOULET

      You’re not the person that I had in mind.

STEWART

      Well you can just quit your complaining.
      I think that I would make a fine partner!

GOULET

      (sharply)

      Will you shut up?! We are trying to keep a
      low profile.

STEWART

      Sorry.

They walk past a trashcan. MYSTERY MAN stands up from inside the trashcan after they pass. He walks up to STEWART, pulls out a gun, and grabs him hostage/human shield style.

MYSTERY MAN

      It ends here, Goulet!

GOULET turns around and looks unimpressed.

GOULET

      Oh la-di-da. Please go ahead and pull
      the trigger. No, really; please do. I
      was thinking about greasing him myself,
      and…

      (after a moment of realization)

      Wait a minute. You’re…

MYSTERY MAN

      That’s right. And now I’m going to kill
      you!

      (shouting)

      Vive le Quebec!

GOULET

      I don’t think so!

GOULET kicks STEWART in the stomach, and proceeds to beat him up karate/judo style.

GOULET

      Now it’s your turn!

GOULET and MYSTERY MAN fight it out again in karate/judo style. The fight ends with GOULET kicking MYSTERY MAN in the stomach, sending him flying many feet into a brick wall, which crumbles as MYSTERY MAN hits it.

GOULET

       (yelling)

      Goulet!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT: STREETS OF LAFAYETTE: MORNING

Police cars with lights crowd the area. Some are Lafayette Police Department, others are black, unmarked F.B.I. cars. GOULET, some F.B.I. AGENTS, STEWART, POLICE CHIEF and the OFFICERS walk from the alley where the fight occurred. GOULET and STEWART are wrapped in blankets.

GOULET

      …And I just pretended that French clown
      was Jimmy Stewart, and I seemed to become
      stronger with rage than I had ever been
      before.

MYSTERY MAN is being led into one of the F.B.I. cars.

                Take him away, boys.

POLICE CHIEF

      Hey, that’s my line!

      (to officers)

      Bake him away, toys.

OFFICER 1

      What was that?

POLICE CHEIF

      I said get the hell out of here.

Everyone begins laughing, except for POLICE CHIEF. Even MYSTERY MAN can be seen in the police car laughing after a few seconds. FREEZE FRAME of everyone laughing (a la Starsky and Hutch). After a few seconds, the FRAME UNFREEZES, and suddenly everyone is quiet. Out of nowhere, GOULET raises his right arm and points to the sky.

GOULET

       Up, up, and GOULET!!!

GOULET flies out of the picture, à la Superman. C.G.: “THE END.”

FADE OUT