SUV?.......Should be SUX!!

Disclaimer: This essay or rant or whatever you want to call it is in no way to be taken seriously. I do hope you do get something out of this though, whether it is a new person for your hit list or a new reason to commit suicide.

Ok...I keep running out of new introductions. This new rant is on the absolutely retarded idea behind SUVs. Now...before you attempt to either burn me at the stake or to run me over in your massively sized vehicle, hear me out. I don't necessarily hate ALL SUVs...just most of them. So without further adieu, here is my rant.

First lets start small with emissions. Now there are some great cars that Europe and Nippon get, that we can't get here because of emissions regulations. Like take the Honda Civic Type R, for example. It is only a small four-banger, but it puts out too many emissions. How the heck is this possible? We have the frikin' Excursion, a moving smog plant, out there. This is a giant V10, which puts out more exhaust then the entire city of Los Angeles, which somehow passes our emissions regulations. We can't get small powerful four cylinders, but we can get oversized petrol burning monstrosities. I'm so sure that a little hatchback is going to clog up our air and kill trees, but that giant SUV would never do that. And we can't get rid of them, because all the soccer moms and rich wannabe will be mad.

Which brings me to my next point, the idiots that drive these things. But before I get there, I have a simple question. What the HECK does "Sport Utility Vehicle" mean anyway. I think it must be short for "I am either a rich person that needs attention or a mom that needs to fit in with every other mom and get an SUV to stay 'trendy' instead of a minivan or station wagon like I should." Ok...*whew*...back to the morons that keep buying these "trend machines." First, these people cannot tell me that they are going to take this thing off road and mud with it. I think that a Navigator would sink in the mud if you even attempted to take it off road. I don't care if it is 4 wheel drive, it weighs roughly the same as the Colombia Space Shuttle and that is going to make it hard to go ANYWHERE off a road. To further this idea you have SUVs made by companies like BMW, Mercedes, and Cadillac. Now don't even try to tell me that you are going to take that over $50,000, newly waxed automobile out into the dirt or wilderness. I don't care HOW rich you are, its just not going to happen, unless you are a crack head or such. Now, you might argue that not all SUVs are like that and I would agree. I don't necessarily hate every SUV, just a vast majority of them. Mainly just those that has no place being driven anywhere. The Excursion is the size of a bloody school bus, and nobody needs a car that big, unless you are hauling a lot of people. This brings me to the next form of "sheep" that also buy and drive these mammoth vehicles, the soccer mom / trendy mom: Basically people that should be driving minivans and station wagons. I mean did I miss something? Do they no longer make such vehicles?? The only van I have seen on the road lately was a lowered and pimped out Odyssey driven by a frikin’ 18 year old white kid sporting an upside-down and backwards visor. (Wait for that rant later.) I have not seen a SINGLE station wagon driven by a mother for almost 3 years. Jeez, I'm not even sure moms drive car smaller than a freightliner anymore. They put all 3-4 kids into a giant steel...oops I am sorry...fiberglass vehicle and then drive like a lunatic thinking they are going to be safe if they get into a wreck. Wait...wasn't it SUV tires that exploded and killed a lot of people? Guess that safe thing doesn't work as well as people thought, eh? Hey, just cause their vehicle can run over my car doesn't mean they have to try either. I have been forced off the road and out of my lane by some mom carrying her little brats to ballet more times than I can bloody count. Speaking of running off the road, the third type of people comes into play here. The rich kid or adult that has massive amounts of cash and thinks the only way people will notice how rich and trendy he is, is to buy a vehicle that can block out the sun. Then they paint it some eye-bleeding color with an off name, so if you happen to get blinded by it and ask them what color it is, they can smugly reply something like "Porsche raspberry," or "key-lime green." After this they buy all the attachments you can, no matter how ugly or useless, so they can beat out all the other rich people in their gated community. Oh, and if you still haven't paid all the attention they think they deserve they will proceed to either run you out of your lane, while smile condescendingly at your car (while talking on their cell phone of course), or they will honk at you anytime you have the "gall" to pass up their slow moving butt.

Now that you have been "shown the light" by me; feel free to key, flip off, or generally annoy any SUV owner you see. Or you could just challenge them to an off road race and watch as they blanch in terror of getting their precious baby dirty. Then feel free to laugh at them as you burn by them in your little four-banger. That is all...thank you and good night.

This has been another rant by the neurotic ShinKarasu!!