Put this on your candy heart and shove it!

Disclaimer: This essay or rant or whatever you want to call it is in no way to be taken seriously. I do hope you do get something out of this though, whether it is a new person for your hit list or a new reason to commit suicide.

All right guys, here I go again, another rant from the not so famous ShinKarasu. The new target is, you guessed it, the day we call “Valentines Day.” Now I am sure that a lot of you people out there LOVE this holiday, but I personally would rather stuff cyanide laced nails into my eyeballs then celebrate this wretched holiday again.

First let me start with the real history behind this farce we call a holiday. Back in fifth century Rome, they celebrated this quaint little celebration called Lupercalia. This was celebrated on the 15^th of February, which is right near the “wonderful” Vday. Now what would this have to do with Valentines Day, you ask? Well… I am getting there so hold on! On this day, Lupercalia, a lot of fun stuff went down. First the priests called, Luperci, would beat women with strips of animal hide. Now, while I might not see a problem with this, a lot of people now would. And guess what, the women would actually take it because they thought it would improve fertility. Now I have heard of women taking drugs, but this is ridiculous. Also, later on that day, the men would draw ladies names from a hat. Whatever name they got, that lady would be their sexual partner for the rest of the season. I know that if we had THIS for Valentines Day, I would be celebrating every year…I mean how else am I going to get nookie. But NOOO, we had to take that fun part out. Anyway, later in about 269, this cat named Claudius the Goth was ruling the Roman Empire. This guy was having a real hard time getting recruits for his little “lets invade everything” soldier policy. Now he thought that the reason he couldn’t find recruits was because they didn’t want to leave their family and wife. Come on, you call a wife and kids not a reason to go and kill some people? Heck, I call that an exceedingly good reason to leave, but then again that is just I. So this Claudius the Goth decides to outlaw marriage, thinking that would help the soldier situation. Enter “Saint” Valentine, if we can really call him that. He thought that it would be great to break the law of the land and marry unsuspecting couples. Hey, I thought we weren’t supposed to break laws. Does this mean that if I break a law, then I will become a saint? Cool…maybe I will go out and get a prostitute. Saint Shin…I like the sound of that! Anyway, he was found out and was subsequently stoned and beheaded for his breaking the law. So…basically he got what he deserved, but get this; later in 496 the great Pope Gelasius (so you have never heard of him either, good) calls this criminal a martyr! Can you believe that crap; maybe we should add Ted Bundy to the list of martyrs. In the same year the Pope changes the holiday to the 14^th and takes away the only good part; he takes away the lottery! He also says that we are going to name this new holiday after the great scandalous Saint Valentine. Hey, I know…how about a Saint Clinton. We could bring back the lottery, only with interns’ names.

Ok, so now you know the wonderful truth behind this horrible day. But this isn’t the only reason why I am not celebrating it, oh no, there is much more.

One of the main reasons is because of how women get around this day. Normally women are already emotional creatures, but this day must really tax them. They expect EVERYTHING from you this day. They want flowers, candies, valentines, cards, and your soul, or else they will start bawling and complaining about how you “never do anything for them.” Now forget the fact that you had just paid $900 the day before for a necklace for the dame, or that you had flown her around the world for a lunch in Italy. No they expect it all again on Valentines Day. Oh, and Hallmark isn’t helping you out at all with all these commercials and advertisements about showing your love through nice and expensive items. The women fall for this and think that the only way to tell if you love them is if you buy them luxurious items.

Another reason is the mass amount of the color red on this day. Now don’t get me wrong, I think the color red is a great color, IN MODERATION. On this day, everyone and their brother are wearing the color. People who would normally refuse to wear clothes are probably sporting red on their body somewhere. I look around and I feel like I am in a sea of blood. I mean do people have no imagination or personality. “Hey, lets be original and wear red on Valentines Day, I bet no one is going to do that! We are so smart!” Hahaha…stupid idiots, I just want to wretch every time this day comes along.

All right, now I am done. I hope that I have shed some light on this obviously pagan and wrong holiday. So, if you EVER think of celebrating this again, just reread this, and I hope you will pick the right way. So in conclusion, kill all Nazis, nuke the whales, and never ever, EVER celebrate this day again. Thank you and good night!

This has been another rant by the psychotic ShinKarasu!