Module 13
Assertiveness Training

Assertiveness
     Assertiveness is a philosophy for interacting with others.  One feels respect for oneself as well as respect for the other person in the interaction.   Assertiveness is a way to ask for what a person needs, state difficult feelings such as anger and disappointment and negotiate well with others. 

Respect
      According to the dictionary, respect means "to consider worthy of high regard." Sometimes the clients with whom we need to be assertive are not those for whom we feel high regard, but in an assertive interaction, it is important to look at the other person as an equal.  Each person in an assertive interaction needs to know that his/her opinion will be treated with respect.

An assertive tutor is neither aggressive nor weak. She knows that she has a right to expect certain behaviors from students, states those expectations clearly, and then is firm in seeing that students follow through.

• Nonverbal presentation of yourself: the "assertive" column is the ideal!

	Non assertive	Assertive	Aggressive
Voice	Sometimes 'wobbly' Tone may be'singsong'  or  whining Over-soft or over-           warm Often dull and in   monotone Quiet, often drops  away at end	Steady and firm Tone is middle range,  rich and warm Sincere and clear Not over-loud or quiet	Very firm Tone is sarcastic and  Sometimes ‘cold' Hard and sharp        Strident, may be  shouting, rises at end
Speech Pattern	Hesitant and filled with pauses Sometimes jerks from fast to slow Frequently throat clearing	Fluent, few awkward hesitancies Emphasizes keywords Steady, even pace	Fluent, few awkward hesitancies Often abrupt, ‘clipped' Emphasizes blaming words Often fast
Facial Expression	‘Ghost' smiles when expressing anger, or being criticized Eyebrows raised in anticipation (for example, of rebuke)Quick-changing features	Smiles when pleased Frowns when angry otherwise 'open' Features steady, not 'wobbling' Jaw relaxed	Smiles may become 'wry' Scowls when angry Eyebrows raised in amazement/disbelief Jaw set firm Chin thrust forward
Eye Contact	Evasive Looking down	Firm, but not a stare-‘down'	Tries to ‘stare-down' and dominate
Body Movements	Hand-wringing Hunching shoulders Stepping back Covering mouth with hand Nervous movements which detract (for example, shrugs and shuffles) Arms crossed low for  protection	Open hand movements (inviting to speak) 'Measured pace' hand movements Sits upright or relaxed (not slouching or cowering) Stands with head held up	Finger pointing Fist thumping Sits upright or leans forward Stands upright, head in the air Strides around (impatiently) Arms crossed high (unapprochable)

• Verbal presentation of yourself: The "assertive" column is the ideal!

       

Non assertive	Assertive	Aggressive
Long, rambling statements	Statements that are brief, clear and to the point	Excess of 'I' statements
Fill in words (e.g.'maybe')	'I' statement: 'I'd like'	Boastfulness: 'My'
Frequent justifications	Distinctions between fact and opinion	Threatning questions
Apologies and 'permission seekers'	Suggestions not weighted with advice	Request as instructions or threats
Few 'I' statements (often qualified)	No 'shoulds' or 'oughts'	Heavily weighted advice in the form of 'should' and 'ought'
Self put-downs ( for example, 'I' m hopeless')	Questons to find out the thoughts, opinions and wants of others	Assumptions
Phrases that dismiss own needs (for example, 'not important really')	Constructive 'criticism' without blame or assumptions	Blame put on others
	Ways of getting round Problems	Sarcasm and other put- downs

      

Special techniques for difficult situations:

• Broken record: Keep repeating your point, using a low level, pleasant voice. Don't get pulled into arguing or trying to explain yourself. This lets you ignore manipulation, baiting, and irrelevant logic.
• Example: A client consistently comes to your sessions unprepared, having not read the material. Using the broken record, you tell the client, "In order for us to have meaningful sessions and for you to succeed in this class, you need to read the material." Then no matter what the student says, you keep repeating "In order for you to learn the material and for our time to be productive, you need to read the material."
• Fogging: This is a way to deflect negative, manipulative criticism. You agree with some of the fact, but retain the right to choose your behavior.
• Example: Client: "There is so much material to cover.  Don't you think it would be easier if you would just give me the answers?" Agree with as much of the facts as you want to, but don't agree to change your tutoring philosophy. Tutor: "You're right, there is a huge amount of material to cover.  Let's start here; see how many of my questions you can answer…"  Fogging is great for avoiding fights and making people stop criticizing.
• Content to Process Shift: This means that you stop talking about the problem and bring up, instead, how the other person is behaving RIGHT NOW. Use it when someone's not listening or trying to use humor or a distraction to avoid the issue.
• Example: "You're getting off the point. I'm starting to feel frustrated because I feel like you're not listening."
• Defusing: Letting someone cool down before continuing with a session. Clients may become very frustrated with material that they just aren't understanding. 
• Example: "I can see that you're upset, and I can even understand part of your reaction. Let's talk about this later." Also, if they try to stay with it, you always have the right to walk away.
• Summarization: This helps to make sure you're understanding the other person.
• Example: "So what you're trying to tell me is ... ."
• Specificity: It's really important to be very clear about what you want done. This helps prevent distractions.
• Example: "The next thing that you need to do in order to get ready for your exam is to make note cards for the key terms we identified.  Why don't you work on that for next week."

Some of this material was adapted from the University of Iowa Counseling Services.

Tutor Quiz 13 - L3