• In addition to its effects on the victim, rape profoundly affects family members and other loved ones.  Partners of victims may have a particularly difficult time coming to terms with what has happened.  Yet, a partner is in a unique position to help a victim deal with the consequences of such a traumatic event, and thereby assist the loved one in making the transition from victim to survivor.  Below are some helpful hints for becoming an ally to your loved one. 

• Know the Facts
  Rape:
  • Is an act of violence
  • Is frightening, degrading, and occurs without consent
  • Is NEITHER invited NOR enjoyed
  • Is NOT the victim's fault

• Help with Immediate Concerns:
  The survivor needs:
  • To be believed
  • To be allowed to make decisions about what s/he does and does not want to do
  • Assistance in seeking medical attention
  • Assistance in reporting the incident to the police- if s/he chooses to do so

• Be a Partner in Healing

          -Communicate acceptance and compassion
          -Listen: Be available to discuss the experience when the survivor is ready
          -Provide physical comfort when needed
          -Discuss rape myths when the survivor is ready.  These may play on her/his
            mind just as they do on yours
          -Play a supportive role.  This  helps her/him to regain a sense of control over
            her/his life.
          -Assist your loved one in getting counseling if needed.
          -Reassure her/him of your love and that, together, you will endure this crisis.
          -Channel your anger in non-destructive ways such as talking openly about
            your feelings or educating others about the recovery process.
          -Take care of your own needs.  Doing so helps your partner give permission
            to her/himself to do the same.

          Don't:

          -Blame the victim.  Doing so prolongs recovery and creates a distance in the
            relationship.
          -Ask "why" questions which only serve to convey judgment and blame.
          -Pressure her/him to recount the details of the event.  S/he will do so if/when
            ready.
          -"Take charge" of a loved one's healing process. Doing so will likely
            undermine her/his sense of control.
          -Trivialize the experience by joking about it.
          -Tell the survivor to "get over it" or "just try to forget about it."
          -Be consumed by your anger.  This has several unintended consequences,
            none of which are helpful:  Anger…
                    -Shifts the attention from the survivors needs to your needs
                    -Blocks communication
                    -Is easily misinterpreted as anger toward the survivor

• Summary:
  Partners of loved ones who have been raped play a crucial role in the trauma recovery process.  It is vital to provide a safe, accepting environment in which the survivor can release painful feelings.  By letting the survivor know that you trust in her/his ability to recover, you empower her/him to overcome the pain.  As the healing process proceeds, it is recommended that you resume joint, pleasurable activities which brought you closer together in the past.  Be patient: Complete resolution may take months or years.  Finally, for your own well-being, it is recommended that you find a trusted friend, confidant, or group to whom you can vent your own pent-up feelings.