Dear Charlie:

i always fight with my brother we dnt even talk and yesterday i said something very bad to him ,i know it hurt him but i said it out of anger and i regret it so 2day i apologisd to him thru email do u think i did a bad or good thing to contact him thru email?i know he cant talk to me ,its so frustrating and im always depressed from january to december bt im mad bcos of the way he treats and talks to me

Signed: b

Dear B:

Charlie hears a few concerns in your email. The first is worry about your relationship with your brother. You also mention that you feel depressed for part of the year. Charlie will give you some ideas to handle both of these concerns.

You first wondered if it was OK to email your brother to apologize. Charlie wants to commend you for acknowledging that your behavior toward your brother was hurtful and taking responsibility for that. When we do things out of anger or say hurtful things we regret, there are two steps to make amends. The first, as you did, it to acknowledge and apologize. The second important thing to do is to take steps to end that pattern of saying things out of anger. Charlie wonders if you have taken time to look at what makes you angry and how you express that anger in a more effective manner.

In taking steps to apologize and communicate assertively, it is important to do so in person or over the phone rather than email. Email is easy to misinterpret. Sometimes, things we say in email can be interpreted as hostile when we were really trying to express remorse.

Charlie encourages you to follow these steps the next time someone says or does something that makes you angry. First, take a deep breath to keep calm. Then, use "I statements" to let your brother know that he has done something to frustrate, upset, or hurt you. For example, you might say, "I feel frustrated when you try to tell me what to do."  Then, make a request for how the person can communicate differently with you. For example, you might say, "I appreciate that you are looking out for me, but instead of telling me what to do, could you try first asking how I'm handling that situation?"

If that does not defuse the situation, let your brother know that you need to end the conversation but will get in touch with him again soon. Make it a point to call or see your brother within 24 hours. Then, in the intervening time, evaluate if you want to address the situation and what you want to say.

Charlie also encourages you to try to have a conversation with your brother about the ways he treats or talks with you. Again, using "I statements" let me know how you feel when he engages in very specific behaviors. Then, ask for a new solution. Here's an example:  Let's say your brother is generally ½ hour late when he is meeting you somewhere. You might say, when you are both calm, "I feel frustrated when you are late to our meetings." If you are going to be late, can you call to let me know you'll be late?"

One final point about sibling relationships: Sometimes the relationship patterns feel like they are set in stone and are very hard to change. You might consider coming to counseling to work this out or asking your brother to go to counseling with you.

Another very important point Charlie wants to mention is your comment that you feel depressed for part of the year. Charlie encourages you to consider seeking counseling when you are starting to feel depressed. In counseling, you may consider looking at what is causing your depression and how your relationships are affected when you are depressed.  Sometimes when we feel depressed, we can be more sensitive and more irritable. Counseling can help you identify new coping strategies so you are less likely to speak out of anger.

To calmness, Charlie.