Dear Charlie:

I'm not really sure how to begin; this is a little embarrassing but has caused me a lot of pain. I'm a 24 year old female, married almost 2 years now. The problem is that I have almost no interest in sex. Obviously being married this has caused some friction in my relationship with my husband. I have hurt him terribly and made him feel unattractive and unloved. That I contributed to this breaks my heart. Its not his physical appearance at all. I think the majority of the problem is me. To be honest, I don't think about sex. Its not that I dislike it; it just doesn't occur to me. If I go for long periods without it, it doesn't cross my mind. Of course it does for my husband who always asks me when the last time we had sex was. I feel like a walking cliche. I feel tired most of the time and just go through the motions because its important to my husband. I don't feel like I get anything out of it. We do the same routine almost every time. I'm always ready to get it done and go to sleep. Reading that last sentence, I realize how terrible that sounds. Sometimes I feel very inexperienced and that probably seems silly coming from someone who has been married for almost 2 years. He and I have our ups and downs; sometimes I think I still have some anger over things that we have fought about or comments he made. But deep down I feel like its more me. I hear other women in class talking about how they can't wait to see their boyfriends and how they can't wait to have sex. I feel like a freak because I wonder what that feels like and why I don't have those feelings. I feel abnormal. Of course my husband thinks its all him. And it really isnt all him. Sometimes I picture in my mind a persona who is sexy, uninhibited, and confident and can please her husband but I just can't connect to her.... Its like I can see it but its out of reach. That probably sounds really dumb too but its how I feel. Right now my husband is at home hurting over this. He's told me there's times he's cried himself out over it and its breaking my heart. I can picture myself in his place and how it would feel but I don't know how to fix things. I don't want to just do it for the sake of doing it; I do want to enjoy it and have fun with my husband. I was never sexually abused or molested in any way so I don't know why I feel the way I do. In some ways I am a litle inexperienced I suppose. I only had 2 partners; the first one was only oral sex when I was 18 or 19, the second man was my husband when I was 20. Sometimes I feel like sex has just caused so much hurt and fighting that I almost hate it. And I don't want to feel like this.... :(

Signed: Broken heart

Dear Broken Heart:

Charlie feels empathy for you about your lack of desire in sexual activity. It's obviously a source of distress for you and it seems you have reached a place where you're stuck and don't know what to do. Also, Charlie hears that the longer you remain stuck in this issue, the more guilty and depressed you feel. Carrying so much guilt and distress in and of itself could be one factor in your difficulty connecting with sexual desire. Charlie is glad that you wrote in because it is a good first step in obtaining some much needed help in this area. While Charlie won't be able to give you a recipe for having good sex, there are some issues that can be addressed.

With respect to your guilt and distress, you said several times that you feel like you're the problem and you take full responsibility for your lack of sexual activity with your husband. This seems unrealistic. Sexual activity and making love with your spouse involves several relationship variables that come from both you and your husband. The most important of which is having the ability to form a strong emotional connection. When someone feels emotionally connected, sexual desire is usually not that far away. Charlie wonders about your overall relationship with your husband. Do you feel alone or are you having difficulty feeling his love? Are you and he able to express your needs to each other and respond to them accordingly? Interestingly, you share that your husband feels as if he is the source of the problem. In reality, both of you probably have issues that contribute to preventing intimacy. Charlie would like to prompt you to shift your thinking from his problem/your problem to "our problem." Think about the issue as something that has both you and your husband stuck and then both of you can engage in figuring out some solutions together. If it feels too difficult to come in together to address the issue, then Charlie would highly recommend that each of you receive some individual counseling to work through the internal barriers that keep you distant from each other.  If you're OK with coming together, then Charlie would recommend some couples therapy. There are counselors in the Counseling Center that can help you improve your sexual relationship. Given that you both feel quite stuck, professional counseling could offer the perspective that you need. To make an appointment, simply call (285-1736).

Another issue is simply stress. Being a student and being married carries a lot of inherent stressors and stress can easily affect your sexual desire. You mention that you are tired and often want sex to end quickly. Charlie is concerned that you may have too much on your plate. Is there any way to ease your stressors? Do you have support from others? Are there things that friends or family can do for you to help? For instance, cleaning the house can easily be a task that moms love to do for their daughters. Does your husband have extra time to help you out? Having him help has that added bonus of making you feel like your well-being is important to him (which can then make you feel emotionally closer to him and perhaps feel some desire to be with him sexually).

Perhaps the way that your parents approached or talked about sex is also an issue. The manner and attitude in which society views sex has obviously shifted dramatically in the past few decades. Your parents likely were less open about it and/or may have talked about sex as a taboo, as being wrong and sinful. Sex in and of itself is not a sin or wrong. You probably know this, but have you examined your ideas and attitudes toward sex? Could these ideas/attitudes be preventing your sexual development? Charlie would encourage you to think about sexuality as an important piece of your identity. Charlie would suggest that you start by reading about sex and sexuality. A book that has a very interesting perspective is called "Talk Dirty to Me: An Intimate Philosophy of Sex" by Sallie Tisdale. In the book, she explores the history of sex and talks about her own journey toward a healthy sexual identity.   You could also find some reading material that offers practical hints and tips to enhance sexual pleasure. You mentioned "doing the same routine." Sometimes getting some new ideas can help to break the same old pattern. Another way to develop your sexual identity is to get in touch with your own body and how you can be "turned on." Sometimes it's worthwhile to figure out on your own what works and doesn't work, and then you can educate your husband. 

Finally, Charlie hears that you have a lot of insecurity and feelings of inadequacy in the area. While taking steps to develop your sexual identity will help, it might be necessary to learn how to accept yourself and offer yourself some grace about the issue. Many, many women have trouble with sexual desire. You are not alone in this and you are not abnormal. In some ways, sex is a skill that needs to be learned. If you haven't had much experience, it makes sense that it would be a bit of a struggle in the beginning. There is an interesting article on the American Psychological Associations website (http://www.apa.org/monitor/apr03/women.html) that discusses the bias against women possessing sexual dysfunction. In one study almost half of a sample of over 1,000 women reported some difficulty with sex. What this means is that it is quite normal to have some difficulty.

In the end, Charlie wants to communicate that you don't have to remain stuck. Taking action on some of the suggestions should help and hopefully will pull you toward more satisfying sexual activity.

To mending broken hearts  J ,

Charlie