Dear Charlie:

Recently i had a relationship end. I was with this person for over three years. My life revolved around this person. I was planning my life after college around her since i will be out of college in about a year. I had never really opened up to anyone before always kept my problems to my self and dealt with them alone. Until I met her. And she got me to open up to her and talk. So for the past three years I've always went to her with my problems.. But now we are apart and i want to be friends with her and she is trying to help me through all of this. She just doesn't feel the same about me anymore... Its been almost two months and the pain is still there and doesn't get better but even a little worse as i start to miss her more and more.... I don't know what to do everyone tells me to go talk to someone bit i'm scared to.. I hated talking about my problems to anyone except her.... But this is something she really can't help me with... and i feel lost, lonely , and sad... I can't sleep, i hardly eat, all the things i used to find fun just doesn't seem fun now. Even things that didn't involve her... I try so hard to just not think about it but its so overwhelming.... She was a huge part of my life... I walk around all day feeling like there is something missing.. I don't want to be like this... I don't blame her but myself... For letting myself feel like i did about her.... And i even feel worse cause i know it stress her out me being like this and i just want her to be happy... I feel like I'm hurting everyone around me because i struggle so much with this.... and it bothers me that the lonely feelings, the worthlessness feelings, not sleeping, and irregular eating isn't going away, only getting worse.

Signed:  Lost

Dear Lost:

Charlie is sorry to hear that you're feeling so bad.  Sometimes when a significant relationship ends it causes us to feel very "lost".  Charlie hears that this is a huge adjustment for you.  You say "I don't know what to do".  Charlie will try to offer some helpful suggestions.

You indicated that you were in the relationship for three years and your life revolved around her.  You also say "I had never really opened up to anyone before".   Later in your letter, you say that you blame yourself for allowing yourself to get so close to her. In saying this, Charlie hears that you're thinking you allowed yourself to be hurt at a very deep level and wondering why.  Rather than beating yourself up, however, Charlie recommends that you consider affirming yourself.  Being able to love someone is a wonderful gift.  It means that you allowed yourself to be open and vulnerable in a way you never before had.  Feeling this kind of love, if even for a short time, is priceless.  Though you don't recognize it now, one day you will look back on the experience with fondness.  Moreover, having loved once means that you are capable of feeling this way again.

You mention a number of feelings you've been experiencing.  These include: fluctuations in appetite, difficulty sleeping, lack of interest in pleasurable activities, and feelings of worthlessness.  When someone suffers a loss such as you are, it is not uncommon to have all of these feelings.  In other words, it sounds like you are grieving.   Although it varies widely from one person to the next, a normal grieving process can easily take from six months to a year.  During this time, you can expect to experience a number of ups and downs, but the intensity of the downs should begin to decrease gradually.  As the saying goes, "time heals all wounds".   However, if the symptoms you name persist or worsen, it may be that you are suffering from depression.  If so, Charlie recommends that you get some professional help (more about that later).

By your account, it's been two months since you broke up.  You say your ex-girlfriend "is trying to help me through all of this."  Charlie wonders if you've considered that keeping her close may not be the best thing for you.  Having her around may be soothing in one way—perhaps it gives you hope.  On the other hand, it is probably very painful.  For example, you say, "She just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore."  You also say, "the pain is… even a little worse".   Though you may not want to hear this right now, perhaps the best thing for you is to let her go.  Once you've fully accepted the loss, you'll be able to begin the grieving and healing processes.      

In your letter, you say, "everyone tells me to go talk to someone" and Charlie agrees.  For this, you need look no further than the Counseling Center (285-1736).  The therapists there can help you to begin working through your grieving process.  In addition, they can assess whether what you're experiencing is simple grief or something more complicated, such as depression.  Either way, they can provide the help you need.  You mention that this will be scary for you.  Charlie understands but encourages you to give it a try as the therapists at the Counseling Center are caring and easy to talk to. 

To finding yourself,

Charlie