Dear Charlie:

I'm a sophomore, and I've never had a lot of friends in my life but it's really starting to bug me now. I look at other people's lives; they all have their boyfriends or girlfriends, go out every weekend, always have some one to eat their meals with, and always have something to do. I on the other hand never have a boyfriend (It's starting to get pretty embarrassing that I've never had a serious boyfriend in my life), I stay in every weekend, I eat my meals alone in my room, and I never have fun stuff to do. I'm afraid that life is just passing me by and I'll end up alone. Do you have any advice for my pathetic social life?

Signed: Alone . . .

Dear Alone:

Charlie hears that you are not pleased with your relationships right now. It sounds like you want to have more friendships and are open to dating as well. You also sound like you are down on yourself because you feel like you don't have enough friends or boyfriends. Charlie wants to offer another way to think about this: instead of focusing on what you don't have, think about how open you are to developing new relationships. Taking this step (recognizing that you want more friends) is an important one, and Charlie is impressed that you are willing to do so!

Even though we hear that college is supposed to be the "best time of our lives," making new friends can be scary and challenging.  Without knowing what you have already tried, Charlie has a few suggestions for meeting new friends.   If you have a roommate and you get along, consider asking your roommate if you can go to dinner with her or if you can join her in some of the activities she does.   You may also consider doing the same with other people who live on your residence hall floor or apartment. 

If you do not live in the residence halls, you might consider some of these steps to developing new relationships. First, join an activity or organization. Think about what interests you like and find a club!  For example, if you like photography, there's a club for that. If you like politics, there is a club for that as well! Check out the BSU Pride Guide for a list of the organizations:  http://cms.bsu.edu/CampusLife/StudentOrganizations .  If you are hesitant to go to a club or group meeting alone, you might invite someone you know to go with you. 

Since it's near the end of the semester, there's another way to meet new people: Ask people in your class if they might want to study together for finals. You might suggest going to the library or studying at a coffee house. 

You sound like you are very hard on yourself for not having a boyfriend. There can be a lot of pressure to date in college, and it can feel like you are the only person without a boyfriend. In truth, there are many, many college students who are single or who have not had a long term relationship.  Sometimes, we blame ourselves for this or wonder what's wrong with us. Again, Charlie encourages you to try some different self talk. Instead of calling yourself pathetic, recognize that you are taking action and want something different for yourself. Remember that there is a lot of pressure to date and that instead of  succumbing to that pressure, maybe you're waiting for someone who respects you and treats you well.

In a final note, there may be other factors that make finding friends difficult. Sometimes people are shy or worried that others won't like them. Sometimes mood can get in the way: if you are feeling depressed, it's hard to have the energy to make new friends. Or, if you are down on yourself, it may be hard to believe you have valuable things to offer to a friend. If any of these factors make it hard for you to reach out, Charlie encourages you to come to the Counseling Center (320 Lucina; 285-1736) for some assistance! The counselors can help you figure out what's making it difficult to meet new people and ways to overcome the difficulty!

Charlie