Dear Charlie:

I have a friend who was raped this week and people are doubting the truth of the matter, but I am supporting her of course. I'm telling her to file charges but I think she is scared. She's already been to the hospital and got a rape kit done. She is already going to the counseling center for previous accounts but is there anything I can do for her, as a friend?

Signed: K

Dear K:

Charlie is glad you hear you are supporting your friend even though others doubt her. It is rare that people lie about rape.  In fact, according to the FBI, 98% of rape allegations turnout to be true; only 2% are false reports. Unfortunately the media presents the cases in which someone has been falsely accused of rape.  In the state of Indiana, rape is defined as intercourse without consent. Lack of consent can occur if the victim says "no" or is unable to give consent (e.g. if someone is too intoxicated to make such a judgment.) You ask what you can do for her and Charlie will try and give some suggestions as to how you can continue to provide support for your friend.

Women who are raped go through several stages in the healing process and it will be helpful for you to gather information about the effects of rape. It is important to know that rape is an act of violence and is frightening, degrading and occurs without consent. It is neither invited nor enjoyed and is never the victim's fault. When a woman is raped her power is taken away so it is vital that you empower her and let her make decisions about what she wants and does not want to do. She may not want to report the rape to the police at this time but can change her mind later if she likes. The fact that she had a rape kit done will ensure that the evidence will be in place if she decides to report the rape at a later date. Another option she has is to report the rape to Ball State's judicial review board. This is a non legal procedure in which a review board hears the case and determines the course of action. In some cases the perpetrator is put on probation or dismissed from school. You can call David Fried at 285-5038 to learn more about the process. Having information for your friend can empower her to make the choices that are best for her but it should be her choice as to how she wants to proceed.

Really the best thing you can do for your friend is to listen to and believe her. Communicate acceptance and compassion and let your friend talk about the experience when she is ready; however do not pressure her to recount the details of the event. It is NOT helpful to tell a victim of rape to "try and forget about it" or "get over it" or to trivialize the experience by joking about it. It is important that she actively engage in the healing process. In addition it is not helpful to ask "why" questions because they convey judgment and blame.  Play a supportive role in her life which will help her regain a sense of control over her live.

It is also important that you take care of your own needs, which gives your friend permission to take care of her self. If you feel anger toward the perpetrator it will help if you deal with it in non-destructive ways such as talking openly about your feelings and/or educating others about the recovery process.  Talking with your friend about your anger can shift the attention from her needs to yours and can block communication. Finally be patient, as recovery takes time. It may be helpful for you to find a trusted friend to whom you can communicate your feelings and who can support you. At times it can be difficult and lonely to offer ongoing support to a friend who has been raped because often the support does not go both ways. Sometimes it can be helpful to talk to a counselor if you feel overwhelmed or traumatized by your friend's experience. A counselor can also help you walk along side your friend in her recovery process in a way that is helpful and healing and can provide support for you.

Walking beside,

Charlie