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Smaller- Face-to-face: Whenever possible, it is ideal for you to meet your son/daughter in person and as soon after the incident as possible.
- Specific time: Set a concrete time for your meeting so that you and your son/daughter can prepare.
- Non-argumentative: Although it can be difficult, attempt to frame it as a discussion rather than an argument.
- Be real, open, and honest: Your son/daughter will respect your genuine concerns for their safety and hopes for his/her future.
- Role model: By being factual and straightforward, you encourage the same sort of behavior in your son/daughter.
- Remember to listen: If you take time to also listen to your son/daughter's thoughts, feelings, and concerns - he or she will be more likely to listen while you are sharing your own.
- Establish and on-going conversation: This issue is a difficult one and honest conversations at appropriate times are more likely to make a difference than a one-time speech.
Some topics for you to cover in this conversation might be:
1. Assess current habits/behavior: It is important for you to have a clear understanding of both the specific incident that lead to the violation and what your son/daughter's alcohol and other drug use is and has been. Ask him/her to describe how often he/she drinks or uses drugs, how much he/she drinks or uses at a time, and how he/she feels before and after and if he/she has gotten physically ill from using.
2. Misperceptions: Misperceptions often lead students to believe that alcohol and drug use among their peers is higher than it actually is and therefore "normal". Parents can do a lot to help correct this. A study of more than 1,300 BSU students conducted in the spring of 2002 shows that:
- 66% of students report that they drink 0, 1, 2, 3, or at the most 4 drinks in a usual week.
- 84% of students believe the typical Ball State student drinks alcohol once a week or even more often, while 60% of students report that they only drink alcohol about twice per month or less!
What we know is that students misperceive what the reality of substance use is on campus and that they consistently guess that it is higher than it actually is. We also know that this misperception about what most students on campus are doing leads many students to drink more or experiment with substances because they think it "is part of the college experience" and they want to fit in with what they believe "everyone else" is doing. We are working to help students learn the reality about what things are really like here on our campus, but you have a special role as parents and can be more influential in the lives of your son or daughter than we ever will be!
Please Talk About It! Research has shown, although it may not always feel that way, that college students see their parents as good sources of information and as very important influences in their lives. It is for this reason that we are asking you to be sure to take some time to talk about this topic with your son or daughter. If you can help to correct some of their misperceptions and dispel the myth that "everyone is doing it" or "it is part of the college experience" to use and abuse alcohol or other substances, your student will be better prepared to make good choices and to avoid being influenced by misperceptions. We are sharing this information with you so you can help your son or daughter to be more informed about the university community, but also so you can be informed about the reality on campus. We sincerely want to change the attitudes about what the reality of substance use is on the college campus and hope to partner with you as one of our key efforts to correct these misperceptions!3. Impact on grades: Your son/daughter's academic success is another reason for concern. Students who use alcohol and other drugs are less successful than those who don't. As a matter of fact, the following chart shows the relationship that has been found between increasing alcohol use and poorer academic performance!
Alcohol Use and Academic Performance |
|
|
3.6 Drinks |
A |
|
5.5 Drinks |
B |
|
7.6 Drinks |
C |
|
10.6 Drinks |
D/F |
|
Average number of drinks per week listed by grade average.Source: 1993 College Alcohol Study, Harvard School of Public Health. |
|
4. Background checking: While a student's disciplinary records in college are kept confidential, a police record for drug and alcohol violations may come back to haunt your son or daughter. As businesses become more concerned with safety and security, they will conduct more background checks on potential employees. A series of alcohol or drug citations may prevent your son/daughter from some employment opportunities.
5. Activities and organizations: At times, after our students violate alcohol and drug policies, they will commit themselves to NEVER go out again and plan to just stay in their room and study. Yet, our research shows that, by far, students who are actively involved in clubs and organizations are more successful socially and academically and are more likely to graduate. In addition, behavior change is more successful when one behavior is replaced with another instead of just removing a behavior and leaving a void where the old behavior can creep back in. GET THEM INVOLVED! Academic departments, housing and residence life, and especially Student Organizations and Activities (I will hot link this on the page) have literally hundreds of organizations for every interest or activity under the sun. Instead of having your son/daughter focus on what he/she won't be doing (drinking or using drugs), encourage him/her to think about what he/she will do!
6. Avoid telling tales: Your son or daughter may interpret stories of drinking in college as approving of dangerous alcohol consumption. If you drank alcohol at their age, avoid entertaining him/her with these stories.
7. Re-affirm priorities: Discuss the reasons your son/daughter decided to attend college in the first place and what his/her goals are for the future. Next, help them understand how drinking and drug use are putting obstacles on that path. Students who are convinced that their parents have high academic expectations for them are less likely to be involved in drinking and drug use.
After your conversation, remember:
Keep talking: It is important that you continue to reinforce this conversation in the weeks and months ahead. Ask direct and open questions about their current use and what steps they are taking to ensure their success.
Try again: It is entirely possible that your son or daughter will not respond positively to your attempt to talk about drugs and alcohol despite your best efforts. Don't be discouraged. There are always opportunities for you to address it in a new way and at a different time in the future.
ASK FOR HELP: If you have any questions or concerns about the conversation you will be having with your son or daughter or would like information about campus and community resources that we can connect them with, do not hesitate to contact a staff member in the Office of Student Rights and Community Standards(765.285.5036) or a counselor in the Counseling and Health Services Center (765.285.1736). We are happy to help in any way we can.
In the end, the choices that your son or daughter make about drinking or drug use are his/hers to make. We will continue to work as an institution to help them make responsible choices. While you may not be able to actively monitor your student away from home, you can be available to talk and listen. You will continue to help shape your son or daughter's character through these discussions, and you may be saving your child's life.
